WARNING: Some explicit language and sexual themes are discussed in the following article due to the nature of the topic. Read at your own discretion. Please consider me as a professional even though I’m writing this.
1.6 million people as of July 18th have pledged to fight in a war against the United States. Their plan of attack: storm Air Force research base Area 51 and release captives being held there and to take advanced technologies. Who does this army belong to? Russia? China? North Korea? Kekistan? No, but the last one is very close. In reality, it is an army of primarily Millennial and Generation Z Facebook-users who have stated they wish to raid Area 51 to free their alien bros and “clap some alien cheeks.”
Started by Matty Roberts, who has not spoken about creating the Facebook event until recently, he originally began the group as a joke after listening to a Joe Rogan podcast with an alleged former Area 51 worker. As stated in an interview with 8 News Now, a Las Vegas news channel, he started the event on June 27th as a minor event. “It just completely took off out of nowhere it’s pretty wild.” Now with over 1.6 million pledging on Facebook and many more supporting on platforms such as Reddit, Instagram, TikTok, and Twitter, the movement has grown into more than a joke.
In the small town of Rachel, the neighbor of Area 51 off of Groom Lake Road, many businesses are preparing for an influx of visitors on the planned date of September 20. Joerg Arnu of the website Dreamland Resorts, which investigates the classified secrets of Area 51, has gotten 3,000 more people messaging him about the facility, a 500% increase of traffic for his website. On the “Extraterrestrial Highway” outside of Area 51, establishments such as the Little Aleinn and the Extraterrestrial Research Center have promised raiders camping spots, food, and music. The Little Aleinn has even had all 10 of its rooms booked, and now needs 30 acres cleared in preparation for the attack date of September 20th.
So, what’s the battle plan of these raiders? Well, first they will be sending the Kyles, a group of barbaric white men who solely drink energy drinks such as Monster and Mountain Dew will storm the defences and destroy the guards. Once the energy drinks run out, the Second Infantry, the furries, Naruto runners, and Karens will storm in to preoccupy the Area 51 guards and any reinforcements. Crusaders will lead the charge and fight in Washington DC to retake the Holy Land and claim the Federal Reserve to make sure the raiders have a source of income while the rest of the military is distracted. Meanwhile, us normal people will sneak into the facility with the help of our mutual FBI agent and free any captive aliens to utilize their technology to destroy what’s left of the United States military. Many plan to die that day, however the immortal gods of Keanu Reeves, John Cena, the Rock, Neil Patrick Harris, Chuck Norris, and Shaggy, among others, will be helping the cause. Most notable of them all may be your Chick-fil-a server, who hunted you down because you forgot your meal in Arizona in fear of being late for the raid.
Will this work? Hell no. The US military has already stated that although no one is in trouble for this meme, they are prepared to arrest and possibly incapacitate anyone who tries the raid. That being said, I love this meme with all of my heart. Every day I see memes about people hanging out with their new alien bros, driving in future tech, finding Minecraft 2, or getting some of the coveted alien coochie. Although some are taking this seriously, many are here for the communal experience of going with the bois and fantasizing about storming a military research base. It represents how memes are something great for our new culture, and have a place in all of our hearts. I personally want more raids because of this, and since July 8th, I have signed up to go raid Area 51 as a Kyle. Best of luck, intrepid gamers.
Thank you for reading this strange article. We’re planning on doing a What if the Area 51 Raiders were a real army? article in the future, as well as many more follow up articles. Leave what you think of this situation in the comments and possibly be featured in future posts.